It's interesting when you can step outside of yourself and see the ways that you've been driven crazy (as opposed to the organic crazy, anyway) - when you can sit back and analyze thought processes and anxieties and pinpoint what exact action in your past caused you to react in this way now. Oh, that deflection was because of your shiny new fear of intimacy, and that self deprecating joke wasn't actually a joke - that's because your self esteem was destroyed when your life partner stated cruising the craigslist personal ads behind your back...
Shit, did I say interesting? I meant annoying. Annoying is what that is.
So I once read an interesting comment on an advice column that I frequent, and it introduced me to the idea of 'The Magical Motorbike to Nowhere', which refers to a relationship that you get entangled in because you are looking for an escape from a life that you feel stuck in, kind of like a rusted motorbike that you buy during a moment of whimsy. 'I'll go on a trip', you tell yourself, 'I'll take this vintage Harley and I'll ride it through every state in the continental US. I'll make new friends and sleep under the stars when it's warm and it will be the most enriching experience of my life.'
It's pretty obvious to everyone around that this pile of tin isn't going to run for very long, but you've imbued it with magical qualities of adventure and freedom, and you will ride that piece of shit until it breaks down on you in the middle of a cornfield in Nebraska.
I guess it may be a bit disingenuous to use that term to describe my marriage, but I honestly can't think of a more perfect analogy. I even had a bevy of friends and family telling me what a beauty the bike was while pointing out the large oil stains on the ground behind cupped hands.
(What's that bitter taste? )
Believe it or not, MMtN isn't meant to describe a bad decision, but an unfortunate yet necessary one. Maybe that motorbike will leave you on the side of a country road with no cell reception, but you bought it because you'd rather be there than in a cubicle. The experience you have with this sorry motorbike will teach you what you need to know about both motorbikes and travel. Your next trip will be with a vehicle that you know can handle the drive, and the experience to know what you should do if it doesn't.
I'm actually not too hung up despite appearances. I don't hate everyone right now. I don't much like everyone either, but there is no hot stone in my belly. Instead I have a long list of vicious insecurities that I just don't know how to sort out. I suppose when I could no longer fuel that fire towards others I left the embers so they could burn only me.
How does one begin to untangle this heavy bundle of doubts? How can I figure out which of these angry flies to swat down? I can't help but feel as though every errant crazy thought is somehow more valid just because I've had reason to doubt before.
When do you cross that line, from cautious to paranoid? From guarded to secretive? When I fight my own tongue to say how I feel, am I prudent or pathetic?
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