Recently, I've had a lot of people remarking on the fact that my day-to-day interaction with the world is markedly different than most other people. Perhaps this is coming up a lot more because I have gone off of my medication in order to quiet the rage monster. The best way that I can think to explain this is the thing that I've been hearing the most, and that is that my smile is weird.
Aside from the fact that I've been hit in the face quite a bit, my smile is weird because I do not naturally smile the way most do. My 'natural' smile, meaning the natural expression that comes across my face when I am happy and enjoying myself is pretty much my normal face with a quirk on one side of my mouth. I don't have a strong natural connection between my emotions and my body. I remember an instance in school where I was in the midst of a panic attack over the allergic reaction I was having, and when I mentioned it to the girl who was talking at me, she responded with utter disbelief.
Anyway, my point is that if you see me smiling with my teeth, it looks bad because it is fake. Unless I am in the midst of laughter, it is fake. I have taught myself to respond that way in social situations so that people will stop asking me to cheer up. If you are spending time with me and are wondering if I am enjoying myself, then ask me. I will let you know.
Spending time with someone is a bit different for me too. My husband and I have butted heads over this a few times. He brings up occasionally how annoying it is for me to read or draw or complete other tasks when he gets home from work and he wants to sit and relax and 'spend time together'. This particular conversation never went well for either of us. He feels like I'm preoccupied with something else when he's seeking attention from me, which is valid and understandable, but my feeling is that if we are just sitting and watching a movie, we're already not actively conversing. We are literally touching each other, how is it possible that we are not spending time together somehow? This isn't a big problem really, we've compromised with each other by using quality time safe words, for all intents and purposes. He tells me when he feels as if I'm not involved in our activities together, and I respond honestly. If he's putting on Darkman, I let him know that I'll be reading right next to him.
I'm even more alien with strangers and casual acquaintances. There's this huge disconnect between me and other people that I don't feel comfortable enough to call friends. I've never looked at a person and wondered what their sexuality is, for instance. It has never occurred to me to wonder who someone would like to sleep with. I generally can't tell when someone is attracted to me until they're ridiculously blatant, and although I can look at people and recognize that the organization of their facial features makes them attractive, I've only actually felt sexual attraction to four men in my life. (One a celebrity, one an ex, one my husband, and one a fucking lunatic.) I'm much more likely to be attracted to women, but I've never had a relationship with one, and only ever tried for one once. I don't form attachments to people without cost and reinforcement. There are plenty of people out there right now who speak to me regularly, see me daily, get along with me very well, but I don't consider them my friends. I know a lot of things about them, but it's very rare for me to discuss myself with people until I've known them and interacted with them regularly for a year or so.
I don't get lonely, really. I miss people that I am close to, and I definitely go stir crazy if I'm alone without anything to do for extended periods of time but it's not based on the absence of other people, rather the absence of brain stimulation. I don't get uncomfortable in silences. Sitting with someone doesn't compel me to talk to them. I don't feel awkward when I have nothing to say to someone. I've actually concluded a lot of conversations by telling someone that I had no more on the subject. When I do speak with people I am long winded and technical, or a huge smartass. If I'm talking it's either a science lesson or a joke, with very little in between.
Sometimes, after someone reminds me that I respond to the world differently than they do, I get caught up and wonder if I'm doing it wrong. I wonder if other people are getting more out of their day to day interactions than I am, if there's a deeper level of enjoyment and involvement in their everyday existence that I will never have.
But then I listen to some music or read a book and get over it. Because dammit I am not crazy.
