Even though I work in customer service, and have for the majority of my working life, I kinda sorta hate pretty much everyone.
See all the unnecessary words in that sentence? That's how I talk when I'm trying to make the truth sound a lot nicer than it actually is. I hate people, as a general rule. This antisocial behavior tends to wax and wane in its intensity, some months I continually see a handful of very close friends, others I become a recluse leaving the sanctity of my loner den only for work and sustenance. I've been in the former mode for three or four months now.
I've gone back on my medication on a better combination. As it turns out, treating only the neuroses is a perfect recipe for a backslide. My neuroses is manufactured, meant to temper the evil. Double and triple checking every decision is obsessive for most people, but useful when your first instinct is "Stabby Stabby Kill Kill". I probably would have viewed my ascending hermit level as a sign of more secondary side effects, like the prior all consuming rage, but really I just...function more happily this way.
I don't dislike any of the people that have managed to achieve the impossible and become dear to me. I would love to spend time with them, go out and see a movie or spend hours in an all night diner. The only thing is that I recognize now that, although definitely enjoyable, those things are DRAINING. I have a very shallow well of social graces, and the damage is cumulative. If I spend a month or two really drawing on my reserves, then they are gone, and it takes a long time for the ground water of small talk and smiles to trickle back in to a usable level.
Since I have been at low reserves for a while, I've been finding myself doing things that really reinforce my social failings. There have been multiple times that I've seen someone that I know while I'm out and about, and in all but a few instances, I have hidden before I have to speak to this person. I repeat, I don't dislike these people. Most of them have been amiable acquaintances, but a few have been people that I wouldn't hesitate to call up for a social occasion if I were so inclined. But I'm not. And I don't feel like I have anything to spare after the expenditure of work, and the upcoming drain of classes.
I think school will be very intellectually stimulating, and if I found someone who had the same scholastic concentration I would probably talk their ear off for hours on end, but most people don't want to hear about the chemical imbalances caused by a lack of physical affection before the age of six months, or the correlation between high levels of MAO-A and serial violent offenders.
However, I am really not looking forward to the less academic elements. I know that people will attempt to talk to me. This fills me with a strange dread. I know that I can just stare someone down until they go away, but I may have to work with someone at some point. Ah well. I currently believe that the social expenditure will be worth it. Here's hoping.
