Nice guys finish last. (Because they don't understand how races work.)

I've been spending an awful lot of time browsing the internet recently. Whether this is because my husband is currently off in Mississippi or because I'm a desperately sad individual who is too obsessed with her cats is yet to be determined.

Anyway, my point is, there are a lot of recurring themes that you'll find on the internet if you spend enough time on it, and the one I'm talking about today can most easily be titled as the 'Nice Guys Finish Last' movement. If you have been living under a rock and somehow don't know what this means, I suggest looking it up on urban dictionary. If you're too lazy or too frightened of the nexus of humanity that is urban dictionary, then I'll sum up. The basis of this belief is that any man who is 'nice' is going to end up sad and alone because women are only attracted to douche bags who will break their hearts and then take a big steaming shit on the pieces. (You'll notice that I put the word nice in quotation marks. We'll get to that later.)

This is ridiculous.

Let me try and break it down the best way I can. Let's say that every person in the world, man and woman alike, has a list. This list is made up of different criteria, like sense of humor and intelligence, and all of these lists have a points system with 150 points possible. I'll give you an example of what this list would look like.

Intelligence - 30 Points
Sense of Humor - 50 Points
Looks - 10 Points
Kindness - 20 Points
Creativity - 20 Points
Common Interests - 10 Points
Sexual Compatibility - 10 Points

Just in case you haven't figured it out already, the list is full of criteria for sexual attraction. That right there is my own personal list. Some people care more about looks and common interests than I do, or less about a sense of humor, and that's fine. It takes all sorts to make the world run and all that. The point is that the list is different for everybody, and that it changes for everybody too. Your list at 17 isn't going to match your list at 34.

Let's run with this a little further and say that every time you meet someone new, they pull out their little list and grade you according to what's on it.  You don't ever get to look at it, and you're not going to be informed when they start tallying up the score. They make all the rules, because, hey, it's their damn list. There's 150 points possible, and it takes a score of at least 75 to become friends, and at least 100 for this person to become attracted to you.  Let us also say that if you score a zero on any one category, then you are automatically disqualified from the running for attraction. Stay with me, this is where the confusion seems to happen.

So, one of these nice guys meets a woman that scores 110 on his list. She just so happens to have all the qualities that he looks for in a romantic partner. Unfortunately for him, he only ranks an 85 on her list. She could be friends with this nice guy, possibly even great friends based on his score, but through no fault of his own he just didn't make a good enough grade to date. Yes, it is entirely plausible that he didn't make the grade because of how he looks. That fucking happens. And it is OKAY. Everybody gets to make their own damn list. Not making the grade on someone's list doesn't make you undesirable, and it doesn't make them an asshole.

You should never have to fuck someone that you are not attracted to. Can we all agree on that?

Anyway, it's unfortunate that Mr. Nice Guy wants somebody that doesn't want him back, but that's just the way it works. And yet, this simple situation turns into a global conspiracy against nice guys. Do you see the disconnect?

 Either all women are incredibly shallow and will go for the attractive shitwad regardless of the plethora of 'nice guys' lumbering after them like starving zombies. Or there's the flip side, where every woman takes your level of niceness into account, and actually considers it undesirable, which is just appallingly stupid. Nice is not enough to overcome a complete lack of physical attraction, sorry to say. It also won't make up for not having anything to talk about because you don't have a damn thing in common.
Even if you did find a woman whose entire list is made up of nice, then you've got to score a perfect 100 to even qualify. That means no laughing at dirty jokes or homicidal thoughts in traffic. Nobody is that nice.

And listening to you motherfuckers, I have to imagine that you don't actually understand what that word means. "I treated her like something besides a set of orifices with legs. I don't understand why she isn't tripping over herself to gargle my cock. THE WORLD IS A MYSTERIOUS PLACE AND NICE GUYS FINISH LAST HURF DURF."
If your entire friendship with a woman is based on the premise that it is going to get you into her pants, then YOU ARE NOT  FUCKING NICE, and this doesn't even apply to you in the first place. She's not a fucking prostitute, and if she was she wouldn't accept 'giving her a hug that one time she was crying' as payment, you stupid douche bag. If you think that acts of common human decency entitle you to someone's body then there is something wrong with you, and she's damn right for not wanting to have sex with you in the first place. If there is an ambivalent ruler somewhere out in the cosmos, I pray to it everyday that NOBODY will EVER fuck you.

Also, the 'women go for assholes' thing. What makes every man except you into such a twat? Unless it's a case of domestic abuse, chances are that the guy your lady love is dating is fairly decent, just like you are. Relationships don't falter and end because one of you is a devil and the other is a saint. Shit happens, men and women alike need to learn to accept that, and for the love of god everybody stop posting melodramatic statuses on Facebook about it.
Granted, there are ladies out there who go for dillholes, but those types of ladies aren't common, and those types of men aren't all that common either. And honestly, if you're clinging to this stupid tripe because of one of those women, you're going for the wrong person to begin with. Let the assholes have each other. IT'S WHAT THEY WANT. Also, it removes both of them from the breeding pool.

Now, I have no problem with you menfolk swinging for the fences. It's admirable, and sometimes you've got enough gumption and stamina to actually pull it off. When that happens, I have nothing but respect for you. But I cannot even count the number of times I have seen a man make this argument to explain why his attempts to snag a lingerie model with three degrees didn't work. (Okay, that may be a bit of hyperbole. I only know one lingerie model with three degrees.)

Really now? That's the only reason you can think of why this goddess in human form doesn't want to ride your dorito-smelling sweaty ballsack? It couldn't possibly be because you consider bathing to be bad luck for your CoD rankings and the only way you know how to communicate is with internet memes. That just adds charm. At that point, you're just using this stupid 'Nice Guy' dogma as a way to pardon your own ridiculous standards. If every person that has ever scored over 100 for you would give you a 60 at best, then you are aiming way too high.

Ladies, this goes for you too. Don't internalize the self esteem bullshit too much. You deserve a  man that treats you well, definitely. A millionaire CEO with washboard abs? Not so much. Be fucking rational. Those goddamn Disney movies have messed with your perspective.

'Nice Guys', if you are actually a legitimate nice guy and not someone hiding behind the title, there is someone out there dying to have a party under the sheets with you, I promise. You just have to be patient. If you try using this argument to explain why you haven't found her yet, the chances go up that you never will.





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